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note: i typed this at 3am last night, but it wouldn't post.
why am i so restless?
first, to Kyle::
well done. you laid it out, and now you're in a good spot--exactly where you wanted to be.
to everyone::
just be real. i'm not in the same Bible study as Kyle and Troy and Sheeser and whoever else i've heard talk about what Keith Davis said, but something that i heard he said was definitely key, and i want everybody to pick up on it. He said (according to Kyle) something like:

"You can be a scholar, you can be an athlete, you can be president of this and that, you can be a member of this and that, you can know anyone and everyone and be that guy that everyone says hi to, but at the end of the day, when you go in your room, shut your door, and are alone, are you truly happy?"

this is really clutch to living. it's also something that i've lost sight of in the last couple of months. and then there's Kyle's response that he posted on his blog. He definitely was on the money when he wrote it:

"I have a 2.71, I will never be the best frisbee player out there, I probably won't get to be president of the ADELs or OB Junior Chair, I'm not in Roundtable or ODK, I may not be tight with the guys on third floor Crawford side or a good number of the girls here, and I won't ever be Ben Paulus, but as I turn off my light tonight to get some sleep before dragging myself to class tomorrow, I know that my life has never been better, I am happy tonight, and I thank God for that, sure I'm scared for tomorrow, but when I wake up, it will be "Hallelujah one more day" for me and I hope I can be quiet enough to hear a whisper, and hot enough to burn for the day."

take that attitude. what's life really about? it's not about me, and it's not about you. it's about God. and until we place Him first in our lives, no matter whatever we try to fill that void with, whatever we try to mask our feelings with, we'll never be happy without Him in the number one spot.

second, to myself more than anyone else::
i've decided to just type and hope what comes out is coherent. usually i don't do this, but i figure maybe instead of being formatted, i'll be real this time.
a walk alone in the rain...what a wonderful thing.
there's not much better to clear your head. the rain seems to wash away all the questions and doubts that plague my mind. while clouds are dark and looming overhead, i feel inside like the storms are being pushed away. pondering and seeking trust, the burdens weighing on my heart seem to fall off. oh, to be carefree and constantly joyful again...what a distant dream. there's no way to go back to those days. too much has happened, and i have changed.
now, i say i don't care, but not caring isn't an option. after the walk i realized that it's not that i don't care, but that what people think doesn't matter so much. what really matters is what God thinks.

Dashboard Confessional has a song called "The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most", and it talks about keeping up appearances and faking life... i think it explains how i've been feeling lately. oh, well, i'll just include the lyrics:

Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,
and covered with a perfect shell,
such a charming beautiful exterior.

This is one time
that you can't fake it hard enough to please
everyone
or anyone at all.
And the grave that you refuse to leave
the refuge that you've built to flee
the places you have come to fear the most.
the places you have come to fear the most.

Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,
and hidden in the public eye.
Such a stellar monument to loneliness.
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
and perfect makeup but you're barely scraping by
but you're barely scraping by.

i don't really have too much else to say. i suppose i could, but most of the time i just don't know how to put my thoughts into words. i think that in that respect i have not done what the heading of my blog says. it says something like "insight into my mind. i don't know why anybody would want to know, but who knows...maybe somebody does." well, i haven't really put too much of my thoughts onto this blog. instead i've been just choosing the funny things in my life and letting everybody know about them. well, i'm sorry if anybody was actually came to hear me think. unfortunately, that's a very quiet task for me. that's not to say that i don't do it. if you think that i'm a thoughtless person or that i'm a very frivilous person, then you don't know anything about me, and i think i'm sorry we don't know each other better.
i also think that i'm not going to say any more about this. sorry to be abrupt, but i'm done now.